High College Costs, Low Student Achievement, Driven by Warmish Climate-Change Trend – Researchers Say

Resist Trump Climate Justice Now

Opening Ceremony of Upstate Consolation University’s Conference on the Warmish Climate-Change Trend

In a conference convened by Upstate Consolation University, researchers from California State University, Van Nuys, and Central Michigan Teacher Pre-Preparation College, Farwell, claimed this week that the warmish climate-change trend is the primary cause of both the declining academic performance among North American college undergraduates and the rising costs associated with a baccalaureate degree.  The conference-goers revealed details of their three-week-long multiple-perspective study, carried out by a select committee recruited from the two schools.  The team systematically surveyed multiple self-evaluations and statistical-anecdotal probability memoranda culled from a wide variety of auto-probative and theosophical sources appearing in carefully vetted blogs posted on the Internet since February.  “This is one of the most exhaustive studies of its kind to be carried out by institutions of our accreditation-level, whether in California or Michigan, during the past seventeen and a half months,” said Dr. Michelle Mausse, a CSUVN Diverse Arts Practical Instructor, who is acting co-chair of the project and supervising gender-fairness editor of the semi-final quasi-executive summary of the project’s yet-to-be-published Full Report – the very same summary that has just been issued as a mass-email attachment.  Mausse also said that, when the Full Report appears, she expects a storm of hostility from commentators on the right.  She added that such commentary, obviously originating in structural racism, would itself exacerbate the warmish climate-change trend, thereby degrading student performance even further and raising the price of a college education even higher.

“Given the cutting-edge status of our conclusions and the transgressive methods employed during our strenuous three weeks of research,” Mausse said, “you can bet that President Trump, Fox News, and Chick-Fil-A will be working overtime to sap public confidence in our assertions.”  According to Mausse, the best way to undermine such bigoted resistance would be “to appoint Greta Thunberg to the Supreme Court, ban SUVs, and approach the Taliban with an ecologically friendly attitude.”  As stated in the semi-final quasi-executive summary, “Last year’s harsh winter in the Northeast and this summer’s record-breaking cool weather across the Upper Midwest prove incontrovertibly that the warmish up-trend is rising steeply.”  In an informative autobiographical aside in the summary, Dr. Mausse states that her consciousness about the warmish climate-change trend began in earnest in the late 1960s, when she had just entered high school, with the appearance of Dr. Anton Schmellij’s prophetic Heat-Death by 1970 – No Doubt about It.  Mausse attributes her conversion to environmentalism, not to her actually having read Schmellij’s book in its entirety, but to her having once perused the Utne Reader’s “condensed” version of the treatise while writing her Feminist Studies thesis at Mannless County Community College, near New Mytilene, Ohio, in 1994.


California State University Van Nuys Main Campus

Mausse disagrees with conservative, white-supremacist critics who blame the current dismal level of scientific clarity among high-school and college students on such pseudo-scientific books as Schmellij’s Heat Death and the politicization of science that it and its progeny have brought forth.  “Without books like Schmellij’s and the Netflix documentaries based on them,” Mausse avers, “young people wouldn’t be alarmed about the warmish climate-change trend; and, for us woke people, alarm outranks clarity in the formulation of socially just hot-air policy.”  Mausse adds the following: “Former Senator Gore and current congressperson Occasio-Cortez owe a debt to Schmellij, which they ought to acknowledge.  In fact, I find it hard to say Gore or Occasio-Cortez without saying Schmellij at the same time.  As to scientific illiteracy – fighting the warmish climate-change trend means getting people to relax and feel comfortable about things like their ignorance and confusion while maintaining an implacably hostile stance towards those who disagree with them.”

The research revealed by Mausse and her collaborators defines a three-stage process by which the warmish climate-change trend drives down the level of student performance, increases the likelihood of degree non-completion, and at the same time inflates the cost of undergraduate matriculation.  The first stage of the process consists in the warmish climate-change trend itself, which Mausse describes as “really, really, really real.”  Mausse’s team ascertained the reality of the warmish climate-change trend by repeatedly viewing the the Gore documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, and by skimming selected pages of Schmellij’s Heat-Death by 1970 – The Fifth Revised Edition.  Several Skype consultations were also arranged with Elizabeth Warren, noted Native American law professor and current Democrat Party presidential wannabe for 2020.  “We wanted to incorporate the authentic Native American perspective,” Mausse explains, “as part of our diversity mandate; and everyone knows how environmentally sensitive Cherokees like Senator Warren are.”  After the warmish climate-change trend per se, says Mausse, the second stage of the process that she and her co-researchers have discovered is warmish climate-change-trend awareness, already hinted at in Mausse’s remarks about Schmellij.  “Normally,” Mausse explained, “we at CSUVN value the diverse forms of awareness dearly, such as awareness of being a fully tenured faculty member at one of the most highly rated third-tier pre-teacher-training colleges in Van Nuys, but some kinds of awareness turn out to have a deleterious effect on holistic non-gendered well-being.”


Central Michigan Teacher Pre-Preparation College Main Campus

Mausse’s senior research partner, Colette Lardner-Brainepanne (ABD) of the Farwell Alternative Liddachur Program (Michigan), seconds this point.  “For example,” Lardner-Brainepanne says, “research has shown that awareness of not being able to read or write so good gets a lot worser for a person when they’re forced to be in a room with a bunch of smart-asses who know a lot of really big words.”  Lardner-Brainepanne continues: “When I was an undergraduate, there was this teacher, see, a typical toxic male, and he went around acting like he knew more than anybody else in the classroom.  That four-eyed little rat-face really grated my nerves.  That’s why we invented Alternative Liddachur in the first place – to take the gut-wrenching awareness out of illiteracy and make TV- and hip-hop-based cultural complacency compatible with high self-esteem.” Lardner-Brainepanne affirms that her own self-esteem is remarkably high – a fact that she attributes to her yoga classes and her participation in a Never-Trump quilting collective. Lardner-Brainepanne also experiences self-esteem in direct relation to her environmental commitments. “If the warmish climate-change trend didn’t exist,” she adds, “we would have had to invent it.”

Mausse picks up the thread of Lardner-Brainepanne’s explanation.  “During the semester at both CSUVN and Farwell we hold consciousness-raising seminars to boost student awareness upwards two or three levels so that it becomes obsession.  Thinking obsessively about how many manatees, dugongs, and sea cows Vice President Pence has already tortured and murdered, and about how many copies of The Greenpeace Manifesto he has flushed down the toilet, can make it virtually impossible for a person to think about other, unimportant things, like diversity – which is our strength.  I myself personally go to sleep night after night thinking obsessively about sea cows and commodes and so does my very well domesticated husband.  We have to remind people constantly of how close to extinction Trump and Pence have already pushed the spotted owl, the Sasquatch, and the Lorax, not to mention Al Franken, Kathy Griffin, and the New Zealand Moa.  I screen An Inconvenient Truth for my students as often as possible, especially in my liddachur classes, along with The Lion King and Wonder Woman.

In a third, culminating stage of the process, the warmish climate-change trend decreases academic performance by forcing students to wear fewer and skimpier clothes, a trend noted keenly by students themselves, especially males.  Arwel Wankler, a seventh-year junior-level entertainment major at Van Nuys who attended the Upstate Consolation University conference, told a reporter, “Dude, what with all the sun bathing on a Friday afternoon, the main lawn at CSUVN is a total babe-park.”  Having brought him along for that very purpose, Mausse points to Wankler as a living demonstration of her hypothesis.  “Arwel should have graduated summa cum casually, our highest distinction, three years ago, but he has taken my capstone seminar on Lesbian Semiotics and the Politics of the Carbon Footprint four times without being able to pass the final exam.  There isn’t even any reading in that course, but you do have to bring your own carbon footprint.  I guess his parents will just have to keep financing him until he sweats out the transgressive challenge and earns his degree, or until the earth burns up – which it will, in exactly twelve years.”

In the past, education realists have blamed falling test-scores on factors like the intentional de-emphasis of basic literacy in K-12, the elimination of science courses, and the corrosive effects of insipid mass-culture on the cognitive skills of children in elementary and secondary schools.  They have blamed soaring higher-education costs on administratively top-heavy institutions and the insistence by unionized faculty members that they teach fewer courses per semester than was regular in the past.  “Nonsense,” Mausse and Lardner-Brainepanne say while speaking the same words simultaneously: “If you divest yourself of linear thinking, you’ll quickly see that the coolish climate-change trend in the past is part of a much vaster Trump-Pence conspiracy.  Just look at the creepy Wharton-School eye on the dollar bill’s pyramid and tell us if there’s anything that Trump and Pence can’t do with their insidious male gaze.  As a matter of fact, we celebrate coolishness in past centuries, since without it the warmish climate-change trend today would never have been so obvious.”

According to Mausse, the warmish climate-change trend in addition to depressing intellectual acuity in college students and hiking the baccalaureate’s price tag without any foreseeable limit has other devastating effects.  “There are the vapors, for example.  More and more cases of the vapors are being reported on college campuses, especially when someone questions the rationale for great programs like Alternative Liddachur or Diverse Arts.  We’ve also heard reliable tales of conniption fits and ‘restless panty syndrome.’”

When the Full Report sees print, it will include five key policy recommendations.

*Keep Canada as frigid and uninhabitable as possible for the next ten thousand years.
*Get people in Des Moines to act “cooler” – like people in Portland, say, or Seattle.
*Reinstate Matt Lauer on NBC.
 *Use less toilet paper – only one sheet per visit.
*Mandatory goddess-worship.

Referring to the second-to-last policy recommendation, Mausse says, “As they learn to use less and less toilet paper per visit, Americans will find more value than ever in the soft, caressing vellum of their expensively purchased college diplomas.”

12 thoughts on “High College Costs, Low Student Achievement, Driven by Warmish Climate-Change Trend – Researchers Say

  1. One hopes the Full Report will be published in a peer-reviewed high impact journal with an impact factor at minimum of 40.7945, lest its full contributions to future citations pages be woefully diminished.

  2. The Full Report has already received numerous citations in other scholarly publications even before its release. This is not so paradoxical as it seems. Everyone knows in advance what every academic publication will state, whatever the topic.

  3. They have a point. I remember a college classmate c. 1990 talking about how hard it was to take classes in the summer, what with the nice weather sapping his motivation. “Hey Bob, we’re going to the beach. Wanna come with?” “No, I really have to study — oh screw it, let’s go!”

    • In the early 1970s at UCLA, especially in the Spring Quarter, I regularly ditched late-afternoon classes to watch the parade of coeds in sun-dresses wending their way down Bruin Walk towards the dorms. It was probably more instructive than the actual classes.

  4. Pingback: High College Costs, Low Student Achievement, Driven by Warmish Climate-Change Trend – Researchers Say | Reaction Times

  5. I don’t know if your students participated in the “international student walkout to protest inaction on climate change” last Friday. Of course it is hard to notice a walkout on Friday, when there is, every week, an international student stay in bed to nurse a hangover. Last Wednesday a student told me that he was going to participate in the protest, but was worried I might give one of those dratted pop quizzes. I wouldn’t promise not to, knowing full well that this would open to way to a simpering request for extra credit. I told the young radical that there was once a time when protest was risky because it defied power, and therefore expected to feel the wrath of power. Taking a half-a-point ding on his class average would seem a small price to pay for “saving the planet.” He looked doubtful. As it happened, this student shrewdly elected to have it both ways, walking out for the first forty minuted of Friday’s class, and then slipping in for the final ten minutes when points might be lost or accrued.

    Whatever the science of climate change, one cannot help but noticing how it has attracted every shady grifter, weasel and con man in the country, or how it has become the root of all evil in the popular imagination. It’s no wonder climate change has become a racket. It is a bit like the education racket that you lampoon here, insofar as people make money by pretending to “address” fake or insoluble problems. The cant word “address” is telling, since it carries an unspoken admission that the problem will never be solved, either because it cannot be solved or because the problem is imaginary.

    Perhaps “addressing” fake and insoluble problems is the real raison d’être of a university. This would account for its habit of circumlocution, its addiction to empty phrases, its affectation of mock bravado, and its pretense of indispensability. It would also explain the radical unseriousness that stands behind its superficial gravitas. One has to work in one of these places to know just what I mean, but it is analogous to a man proposing to perform a heart transplant and then equipping himself with three paper towels and a spork.

    • It would indeed be hard to tell whether my students took part in the “climate protest” because a third of them on any given day play hooky anyhow. I did, however, watch the assembly of the “climate protest march,” which gradually accreted on the lawn in front of the building where I teach. It took about forty-five minutes for the “protesters” to show up — so that the “march” (I apologize for all these inverted commas) only started that tardily. As is the case among college students nowadays, many were obese, and many of that category were female. The contingent, when it had finally marshaled itself, was majority-female, and those males adding to the presence were, most of them, distinctly effeminate. It looked like a lame version of some Paleolithic goddess-worship ceremony. Ironically from a politically correct perspective, the personnel was almost entirely Caucasian. The shouting of slogans, once the crowd began to meander towards the Quad, was feeble. The phenomenon never transcended its jellyfish-like amorphous character.

  6. @Mickvet: One Christlike way to capture carbon is to stuff yourself with carbohydrates — I mean, that’s obvious, right? And the “incels” certainly betoken a population-dip, what with their Christlike continence and all. Supposing that you might have been referencing Arwel Wankler — I would guess that he has no real political convictions, least of all over his carbon footprint. He is merely, and in some degree enviably, an opportunist who hopes to hook up with chicks. It is his misfortune to seek opportunity among “woke” chicks and in that case he might benefit from some actual higher-order instruction. (By the way, is it PC to call a babe a chick?)

  7. I am not surprised that those schools produce graduates who pay a great deal of money for very little real education. The architecture alone is an offense to beauty. Such defiant ugliness must weigh on the souls of faculty, staff, and students alike. The institution in California looks like it should be selling second-hand droids, while the ‘teacher’s college’ is a meat-packing plant cross-bred with a grain silo. It must have grown up behind the Iron Curtain and somehow got loose.

    • By “second-hand ‘droids,” I assume you mean new college graduates. Most of them will work in cubicles, entering data, for the rest of their lives; or they will answer customer-complaint telephones in the boiler-room as their contribution to the service economy. They would be better employed checking the machinery on moisture-farms and harvesting the moisture.

  8. Pingback: Cantandum in Ezkhaton 09/29/19 | Liberae Sunt Nostrae Cogitatiores


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