There once was a land where everyone was equal but the people were divided into three rigid and antagonistic classes. At the top were the Patricians, or Pats; next in line were the Plebeians, or Plebs; and at the bottom were the Morlocks about whom it was universally agreed, the less that was said, the better. The Pats called the Plebs Upper Morlocks, the Plebs called themselves Lower Pats, and the Morlocks called them both by a name I cannot print here.
As you can see, democracy was strong in this land.
Every Patrician graduated from the older of the land’s two colleges, which had been established many centuries before on the banks of what was then known as Chuck’s Creek. As Chuck’s Creek was a minor arm of the sea, it was in those days, at low tide and for half of each day, a malodorous mud flat infested by stinging flies. But engineers in later years contrived to stop the mouth of Chuck’s Creek at the ebbing of the tide, geographers revised the maps with the exalted name River Charles, and the stinking mud and stinging flies were soon forgotten.
This college was founded by a saintly philanthropist named John Hafard, but to Pats it was affectionately known as the John. Pat children expected to go to the John, and Pleb children dreamed (rather vainly) that they might have the good fortune to go to the John as well. But, alas, when the long-awaited letters arrived in the spring of their senior year, Pleb children almost always learned that they must go to the other college, which was both newer and much larger, and which lay far to the west of the sparkling River Charles.
This college had been founded by a meat packing tycoon named Cornelius Squat, at a time when the west was still shaded by trees of the primeval forest. Although these trees had long since been cleared to make room for buffet restaurants, multiplex theaters, and happy ending day spas, the college retained the name Squat in the Woods.
So while young Pats went to the John, young Plebs went to Squat in the Woods. As for young Morlocks, no one knew just where they went. But everyone assumed it was somewhere very close to where they lived.