A Room at the Road Warrior Motel

An illustration in this morning’s newspaper shows a man who might have been the father of Conan the Barbarian if the father of Conan the Barbarian had been a meth head. His locks are wispy, his skin papery, his visage gaunt. One suspects his teeth wobble and would not be up to cracking walnuts. Below his picture is that of a woman, thirty years younger, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Bonnie Parker, although I do not believe that Bonnie Parker sported a neck tattoo.

The pair was arrested at a motel just down the road late last Friday night, on a charge of trafficking in methamphetamine. Just before midnight, we are told, local police “stopped by” the aforementioned motel (elsewhere advertised as “simple” and “low-key”) to “check for any criminal activity.” They soon found what they sought. Conan and his moll drove up in a pickup truck, darted into a room, and soon thereafter emerged with the shifty air of a couple that had not, say, come back to unplug the coffee maker.

“Officers suspected a drug transaction might have taken place.” Their suspicions deepened when they stopped the truck, searched the pair, and discovered “a digital scale and 7.3 grams of crystal meth.”

Had that been all they discovered, this would have been just another drug bust, no different than the thousands that hourly enliven the parking lots of our nation’s simple, low-key motels. But, adding interest to this story, police also discovered that “a large sword in a sheath was wedged between the truck’s front seats.” They do not say whether it bore traces of recent use. And, although Conan “appeared nervous,” he resisted the urge to seize the brand and set about on the boys in blue.

And if the presence of a genuine sword is not sufficient to raise this affair from yawn-inducing banality, when police officers entered the motel room they “found a man with a swollen head.” It seems that methamphetamine use degrades the immune system, and in the case of this poor wretch with the swollen head, permitted the staphylococcus virus to take every room in the simple, low-key motel of his brain.

What we have here is a case of life—or rather low life—imitating art. The art imitated is comic book art, or perhaps the art of the movies that nowadays imitate comic books for the benefit of those who cannot read. And low life imitating comic books is why, sooner or later, you and I and everyone else will take a room at the Road Warrior Motel.

8 thoughts on “A Room at the Road Warrior Motel

  1. Pingback: A Room at the Road Warrior Motel | @the_arv

  2. Pingback: A Room at the Road Warrior Motel | Reaction Times

  3. Is a man not free to brandish broadswords at will in the comfort and safety of his own vehicle? In times past, a man could engage in street-jousts without risk or reservation. Now our prudish society has turned against this chivalric mode. Woe that such times should be ours.

    This modern King Arthur, with his Excalibur he undoubtedly received from some lady of the hallucinogenic lake, and his Guinevere, will have their day in court and their kingdom will be greatly diminished.

    • There is something disturbingly nordic about a broadsword. A machete, on the other hand, is tropical. Here is a relevant post of mine from a few years back. It’s an aggregation of knucklehead news, so search for “machete” after you open it. Here’s another post in which that instrument of vibrant tropical chivalry plays a part

      • What a time to be alive.

        “Tropical Jungle Justice” makes me think of a Latin American Don Quixote. Be-knighted travelers, crossing the land to “check on” distressed damsels, and testing his might in friendly Machete fights, hoping they don’t somehow go wrong.

        Thank you for sharing those stories. Absolutely hilarious.

  4. No link? I wanted to see those pictures darn it. Also, even felony dopers, addicts, and what-all are allowed to own & possess edged weapons.

    • Here is the link to the newspaper story. I sometimes depersonalize such a story to spare the individuals further humiliation. I expect prior conviction on a felony charge does explain the edged weapon, but one would not have seen an actual sword thirty years ago.

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