Last Friday, the manager of Vintage Apartments called the College Station police to report that “a couple” was “squatting in an otherwise unoccupied apartment.” If the couple had been squatting in an occupied apartment, we must suppose that ejecting them would have been the tenant’s problem; but as this unit was for rent, the manager did the manly thing and picked up the telephone.
Prospective renters are notoriously narrow-minded when it comes to squatters in the second bedroom.
When the police arrived, they “noticed two people in a vehicle that matched the description that apartment managers had provided,” these two people being none other than Ruby Tirado and Sirgio Deshun Chambers—the very squatters who had taken refuge in the apartment that “was supposed to be unoccupied.”
Officers “tried to talk to them,” but Tirado and Chambers were no mood for the policemen’s persiflage. Tirado explained this to one of them by “kicking him in the groin,” whereupon Chambers began “shouting and struggling.” It is, you know, a liberal axiom that your right to swing your fist stops at the end of my nose; but this of course carries the important codicil that a woman’s right to swing her foot is absolute, and in no way abridged by a policeman’s groin (her right, that is, not her foot).
It was, perhaps, to test the penumbra of this codicil that Chambers immediately undertook “hitting an office in the chin with his elbow.”
I trust you can see that Tirado and Chambers did these things under grievous provocation. No doubt they had begun to put down roots at Vintage, and were therefore justified in resisting removal from an apartment that Americans will not rent. As it happens, both also had reason to dread repatriation to their legal place of residence, as in that place both would be subject to persecution by officious busybodies wielding warrants for “robbery,” “theft,” and “non-payment of child support.”
Obviously, compassionate men and women will see Tirado and Chambers as dreamers and refugees, just as they will see the College Station police as minions and metaphors of Trump’s America. All across this great land of ours, unoccupied apartments are rotting in the complexes, and footling warrants are keeping good people in the shadows.