Splitting Hairs

Christopher Brian Lezynski was sharpening his hatchet last Friday. File, whetstone, honing oil, and, we may suppose, a gem-cutter’s eyepiece. In my mind’s eye I see Mr. Lezynski plucking a hair from his head and preparing to split it. By his side stands his faithful “girlfriend,” her breath bated, her eyes aglow.

Then, just as he draws the filament onto the beveled blade, there erupts from outside the door a sound of children “being loud.” Sorely provoked, Lezynski storms from his apartment, “screaming and cursing” and “carrying a hatchet.” Obviously he was holding the hatchet simply because he “had been in the middle of sharpening it.” He did not propose to hack anyone, only to “throw his neighbor’s children off the balcony,” “beat” their mother, and get back to the delicate art of hair splitting.

Lezynski’s girlfriend immediately grasped the unfortunate optics of the situation, and “tried to calm him,” but not before the meddlesome “apartment manager called 911” to summoned the police. The newspaper assures us that “no one was injured in the incident,” not even the hair.

4 thoughts on “Splitting Hairs

  1. Pingback: Splitting Hairs | Reaction Times

  2. Lezynski’s sounds like a plausible enough story.

    Brings to mind the scene from The Longest Day in which the soldier is reading his wife’s latest letter to him aloud wherein she is explaining how she got a baby in his absence (a baby that just so happened to bear a striking resemblance to herself). She says “you’re not going to believe this, but…” After reading her explanation, the soldier looks away from the letter and exclaims in wonderment, “I believe it. Why wouldn’t I believe it?” Lol.


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