Fake News (I Wish!)

News that U.S. Special Forces have been deployed on the Lithuanian border inspires me to post an item of Fake News that has been fermenting in my brain for years. 

Asian Horde Threatens West: Where Will We Fight Our Battle of Châlons?                         Posted: Jan 05, 2017 8:34 PM CST

By Madison Goodwhite

(ASTRAKAN) – America’s defenders are bracing themselves after a new round of bellicose saber rattling by a Kremlin that seems bent on conquest. All along freedom’s last line of defense, brave patriots find themselves in harms way, and preparing for the onslaught.   At lonely redoubts of fortified igloos on the frozen wastes of the White Sea, our grim-faced sons and daughters are pulling on their Kevlar balaklavas and checking the webbing of their snowshoes. Our pickets in the Pripet Marshes prepare to be surrounded and yet go on fighting as partisans behind enemy lines. In the defiant bunkers that line the crest of the Carpathians, our gunners count their shells and try not to think of the Maginot Line. On the wine-dark waters of the Black and Caspian Seas, the ships of our First Fleet scan the sky, looking for the MiGs that routinely violate this sweet airspace of Liberty.

“It’s hard to sleep at night, thinking of what those b*@$+^#&s did to our Second Fleet in the Aral Sea,” said Rear Admiral Arthur (“Attaboy”) Cuckshank, standing on the bridge of the U. S. carrier James C. Polk. The “Polker” is the vital heart of the task force charged with checking Russian aggression at the north end of the Caspian Sea, and Cuckshank is the mind of the “Polker.” “All I could think was ‘Pearl Harbor all over again’ when they cut the water to the Aral. It took quite a few years, but leaving our Central Asian battle-group high and dry like that was still a dirty sneak attack.” Cruckshank says these hard words  without taking his steely eyes off the broad channel of the Volga, up which he is piloting the Polk on a brave “show-the-flag” cruise. “These are international waters,” Cruckshank points out, “just like Lake Baikal. I’m sure glad we’ve got a couple of Virginia class tubs planted there. We’re kinda like a Great Wall of China for the Free World, only we’re in the water, of course.”

4 thoughts on “Fake News (I Wish!)

  1. Pingback: Fake News (I Wish!) | @the_arv

  2. “We’re kinda like a Great Wall of China for the Free World, only we’re in the water, of course.”

    U.S. Navy: still a “Global Force for Good.” Kind of.

  3. Pingback: Fake News (I Wish!) | Reaction Times

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