A press-release from the Office of the President at Upstate Consolation University contains an announcement that beginning in the fall semester, a new graduate program, the first of its kind in North America, will offer a master’s degree in Studies Studies. In the announcement, UCU President Chloe Alexandra Brainepanne expresses her enthusiasm for the new Studies Studies Program, funds for which became available when the Academic Senate passed a measure eliminating all literature courses in the English Department, which will henceforth dedicate itself entirely to Freshman Remedial Writing and Advanced Internet Media Appreciation. Several former English faculty members will transfer to Studies Studies, while the rest have been indefinitely furloughed.
The designated chair of Studies Studies, Spelvina Malarkey-Delgado, told reporters that, “Studies Studies is the type of vibrant, transgressive program that modern university humanities divisions have long been clamoring for,” adding that, “Studies Studies is where the cutting edge of studies is currently at.” According to Malarkey-Delgado, the proliferation and success of narrower Studies programs, such as Women’s Studies, Black Studies, LGBT Studies, and Sasquatch Studies, makes the innovative discipline of Studies Studies an absolute necessity. “The specialized Studies programs have taken the strands of postmodern ground-breaking research right to the deconstructive edge of the post-structuralist cliff,” Malarkey-Delgado says; “Studies Studies,” she adds, “will start where that research left off and take it one step farther on.”
Minky Winceapple, a former Associate Professor of Comparative Bodily Non-Verbal Communications at Windrip Polytechnic in Colorado, who will be transferring to UCU to teach in Studies Studies, says that he finds it hard to measure just how genially inflated he feels over the opportunity to participate in the new discipline. “I’m really holding it in,” Winceapple told the press-conference, “because at last we will be able to figure out what we were doing in the specialized Studies programs, from which most of us have been recruited, for all of those years.” Winceapple, who promises that he will soon “be letting it all out,” will also edit the program’s journal, Studies in Studies Studies Yearly, which has been praised even before the appearance of its first number. “We expect SISSY to become the public face of UCU,” Winceapple said; “when you see UCU you’ll see SISSY.” Winceapple’s own article, “Disciplining Interdisciplinarity: De-Invaginating Invaginated Non-Structures in Pre-1990s Structuralist Studies Programs,” will be featured on SISSY’s first cover.
Malarkey-Delgado emphasizes the diversity of the Studies Studies faculty. “We have recruited teachers from as far away as the prestigious Bi-Bim-Bab Commerce University in North Korea and the equally prestigious Universidad de la Justicia Social de Macho Picachu in Peru,” she says. Malarkey-Delgado also voices her hope that Studies Studies, because of its diversity, will be able to work with other diverse programs, such as Film and Television Production. The Public Broadcasting Network has indicated its tentative interest in a reality drama (already scripted) to be inspired by the true story of day-to-day activity in UCU’s Studies Studies program, as overheard in the faculty lounge. According to Malarkey-Delgado: “Many non-college graduates who only went to high school, and who have to trade their labor for a living, can form no idea of what goes on in colleges and universities. The reality-series would give them the chance to see where their tax-dollars are at, working.”
At the end of the press conference, Malarkey-Delgado and Winceapple together issued a modest plea. Although the first year of the journal has been underwritten by George Soros, the Studies Studies Program hopes that other generous parties will support it in the years beyond. As Winceapple said, “We need a MacArthur Genius Grant to help us keep making SISSY.”