UCU to Launch Studies Studies Program

Portlandia Season 5, Story of Toni and Candace

A press-release from the Office of the President at Upstate Consolation University contains an announcement that beginning in the fall semester, a new graduate program, the first of its kind in North America, will offer a master’s degree in Studies Studies.  In the announcement, UCU President Chloe Alexandra Brainepanne expresses her enthusiasm for the new Studies Studies Program, funds for which became available when the Academic Senate passed a measure eliminating all literature courses in the English Department, which will henceforth dedicate itself entirely to Freshman Remedial Writing and Advanced Internet Media Appreciation.  Several former English faculty members will transfer to Studies Studies, while the rest have been indefinitely furloughed.

The designated chair of Studies Studies, Spelvina Malarkey-Delgado, told reporters that, “Studies Studies is the type of vibrant, transgressive program that modern university humanities divisions have long been clamoring for,” adding that, “Studies Studies is where the cutting edge of studies is currently at.”  According to Malarkey-Delgado, the proliferation and success of narrower Studies programs, such as Women’s Studies, Black Studies, LGBT Studies, and Sasquatch Studies, makes the innovative discipline of Studies Studies an absolute necessity.  “The specialized Studies programs have taken the strands of postmodern ground-breaking research right to the deconstructive edge of the post-structuralist cliff,” Malarkey-Delgado says; “Studies Studies,” she adds, “will start where that research left off and take it one step farther on.”

Minky Winceapple, a former Associate Professor of Comparative Bodily Non-Verbal Communications at Windrip Polytechnic in Colorado, who will be transferring to UCU to teach in Studies Studies, says that he finds it hard to measure just how genially inflated he feels over the opportunity to participate in the new discipline.  “I’m really holding it in,” Winceapple told the press-conference, “because at last we will be able to figure out what we were doing in the specialized Studies programs, from which most of us have been recruited, for all of those years.”  Winceapple, who promises that he will soon “be letting it all out,” will also edit the program’s journal, Studies in Studies Studies Yearly, which has been praised even before the appearance of its first number.  “We expect SISSY to become the public face of UCU,” Winceapple said; “when you see UCU you’ll see SISSY.”  Winceapple’s own article, “Disciplining Interdisciplinarity: De-Invaginating Invaginated Non-Structures in Pre-1990s Structuralist Studies Programs,” will be featured on SISSY’s first cover.

Malarkey-Delgado emphasizes the diversity of the Studies Studies faculty.  “We have recruited teachers from as far away as the prestigious Bi-Bim-Bab Commerce University in North Korea and the equally prestigious Universidad de la Justicia Social de Macho Picachu in Peru,” she says.  Malarkey-Delgado also voices her hope that Studies Studies, because of its diversity, will be able to work with other diverse programs, such as Film and Television Production.  The Public Broadcasting Network has indicated its tentative interest in a reality drama (already scripted) to be inspired by the true story of day-to-day activity in UCU’s Studies Studies program, as overheard in the faculty lounge.  According to Malarkey-Delgado: “Many non-college graduates who only went to high school, and who have to trade their labor for a living, can form no idea of what goes on in colleges and universities.  The reality-series would give them the chance to see where their tax-dollars are at, working.”

At the end of the press conference, Malarkey-Delgado and Winceapple together issued a modest plea.  Although the first year of the journal has been underwritten by George Soros, the Studies Studies Program hopes that other generous parties will support it in the years beyond.  As Winceapple said, “We need a MacArthur Genius Grant to help us keep making SISSY.”

37 thoughts on “UCU to Launch Studies Studies Program

  1. Pingback: UCU to Launch Studies Studies Program | The Alt-Right View

  2. I’d actually rather take studies studies than a regular studies course. Then we could finally dispense with content and focus on skills. You know, all those lovely critical thinking skills that faculty these days are so good at. We can all look forward eventually to studies studies studies. Where did you say that cliff to jump off was again?

      • Minky Winceapple and Spelvina Malarkey-Delgado, among others. Then there’s the guy from Macho Picachu University in Peru. You can bet your bottom dollar that these people have never studied anything in their lives, except studies.

      • Is Macho Picachu said in the overtly ethic way, in the midst of a paragraph spoken in perfect English? That’s one thing you can’t make fun of in print. Liberals, academics, and their obsession with jarringly pronouncing certain words in the native dialect, such as Peru as “Ber-ooh”, but never Volkswagen as “Folks-va-gen.”

  3. In Studies Studies we follow the new syntax, in which your question would have the following form: That cliff to jump off of – where’s it at?

      • Yes, and if that other person hadn’t said it first, Ms. Malarkey-Delgado would like to have said it, first.

    • If my old campus map is still correct I believe the cliff is adjacent to the Jacques Derrida Memorial Library, a building which has been deconstructing itself into the abyss for several years.

      • At UCLA there is also a Jacques Derrida Memorial Library. It was founded in 1990 as the Herbert Marcuse Memorial Library and renamed in 2009. Due to practical demands of campus life it is now the Jacques Derrida Subterranean Parking Facility, the only subterranean parking facility with a tenured faculty.

  4. As a public school system employee, let me say we anxiously await federal guidance in aligning our common core standards with the skills our students will need to succeed in a SISSY-compliant higher educational or vocational setting, especially in the critical area of invaginating nonstructures (our art teachers are still using the antiquated multisensory, marshmallow-based approach, which just goes to show how under-funded our schools are compared to the well-funded, high-tech approach to vagination taught to Kindergarteners in ❤️Sweden❤️).

    • I would like to respond to you wittily, Sunshine, but your wit has exceeded mine!

      P.S. Ja vi älskar detta land!

  5. Pingback: UCU to Launch Studies Studies Program | Reaction Times

  6. Years ago, while I attended a university, I met a doctoral student in the English Department who wrote her dissertation about whether disability was a social construct. Call me too premodern or too politically incorrect. But had I been her advisor, I would have said, “I’m sorry. You’ll need to choose another topic, one much more about English.”

  7. Pingback: Academic Progress « The Thinking Housewife

  8. Today this appears in the Orthosphere.
    In five years it will appear in the Onion.
    In ten years it will appear, with praise, in the New York Times.
    In twenty years it will appear, with an apology, in the National Review Online.
    Because yesterday’s absurdity is today’s reality, and
    Today’s absurdity is tomorrow’s reality.
    (Hope I’m wrong).

  9. Twenty years ago. Cultural Studies was considered radical. But today, we can see that Cultural Studies was in fact an important innovation in the march of progress toward our Founders’ vision of realizing the full potential of a citizenry where all can exercise their right to Deconstruct the sidebar on a box of Cocoa Crisps on the taxpayers’ loaned fiat dime.

    But “Studies Studies” simply goes too far. It is political correctness run amok. This is why I am encouraging my daughters to matriculate in George Mason’s Cultural Studies program instead. Cultural Studies is part of our American tradition. Studies Studies is the REAL RACISS–and don’t expect me ever to retract that claim until five or seven years have rendered Studies Studies suitably Burkean and you’ve come up with something more offensive to sell me.

  10. I want to study Sasquatch studies. Some universities don’t have Sasquatch studies programs but this is clearly discrimination against the non-existent. (Assuming the folks on “Finding Bigfoot” don’t actually find Bigfoot one of these days.)

    • A good place to study Sasquatch Studies is in the bulk-foods section of any Walmart between ten o’clock PM and the early morning hours. They are sensitive creatures. Try not to startle them.

  11. This post was pretty funny, but it made me extremely sad. I honestly couldn’t tell if this was satire or not, which goes to show the state of the union. I bet if you shared this on facebook, people would believe it.

  12. Pingback: More "Studies" – Alberto Acereda

  13. I was reading Eliot’s Four Quartets this past weekend. After reading your satire I was particularly struck by certain portions of Little Gidding

    And the fullfed beast shall kick the empty pail.
    For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
    And next year’s words await another voice.</blockquote

    Written before the long march through academia of the Frankfurt School and their descendants, yet still so true. The devotees of Derrida and Foucault will be dropped like hot potatoes at some point in the future of this perpetual Gramscian revolution. But will any of them produce something comparable to Four Quartets?

    The ‘dove descending’ of Little Gidding refers to the German V-1 flying bombs which were falling on London where Eliot was an air raid warden. I can’t truly imagine the experience, even after taking to my combat veteran relatives. Yet through that horror he was able to write such beautiful transcendent poetry

    The dove descending breaks the air
    With flame of incandescent terror
    Of which the tongues declare
    The one discharge from sin and error.
    The only hope, or else despair
    Lies in the choice of pyre or pyre—
    To be redeemed from fire by fire.

    Who then devised the torment? Love.
    Love is the unfamiliar Name
    Behind the hands that wove
    The intolerable shirt of flame
    Which human power cannot remove.
    We only live, only suspire
    Consumed by either fire or fire.

  14. “Studies Studies” is the opposite of transcendence: It is subscendence. We don’t feed the seagulls for a reason. In modernity, the seagulls are always descending – or subscending, or some effluent part of them is subscending. Umbrellas up! It’s a low-flying flock of postmodernists!

  15. Earl, you wrote: “That’s one thing you can’t make fun of in print. Liberals, academics, and their obsession with jarringly pronouncing certain words in the native dialect, such as Peru as ‘Ber-ooh,’ but never Volkswagen as ‘Folks-va-gen.’” Apparently you haven’t swallowed your mandatory weekly Fahrvergnugen tablet. (It’s an EU requirement.) If you had, you might have experienced an ecstatic Himmelfahrt, along with Angela Merkel and Jean-Claude Juncker. A Gross-Merkel-und-Juncker-Fahrt. (How the German language loves a compound-noun!) Think of it – going on a Himmelfahrt with an Angel and a Junker! Americans should stop being so uptight. They should imitate their European counterparts and start enjoying the delights of the Himmelfahrt. Turks apparently enjoy a good Himmelfahrt. They’re willing to blow themselves up for it. (And just short of the actual flying machine!) Ah, Fahrvergnugen!

    I had a friend in college who drove a Folks-va-gen to Ber-oo

    By the way, the subscendent goal of Leftism, whether in the academy or anywhere else, is a Volksvergnugenfahrt, also called a Gemeinvergnugenfahrt or “Collective Vergnugenfahrt.” I expect Hillary to release a “memo” about this any day. Given her shyness of press-conferences, maybe she already has.

    Addios, amigo!

  16. Pingback: Upstate Consolation University Addresses Statue Crisis – The Orthosphere

  17. Pingback: Upstate Consolation University to Equip Classrooms with Sensitivity Smart Airbags – The Orthosphere

  18. Pingback: Upstate Consolation University to Ban Friendship, Create Innovative Bookless Library – The Orthosphere


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